Lady Shapes

I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages. From fat, chubby ladies of the Renaissance, to hard-faced Cromwellian sourpusses. Right up to 20th century well-toned women like Sharron Davies and Jet from Gladiators.

Before you get all accusatory, I had the idea of icons representing female body shapes quite early on. So I wasn’t gawping at women on the internet for ages. At least not when doing this. Anywaaaay, there *are* more than the three featured here – squares, diamonds, triangles (equilateral, mostly) – but I would assume these to be the classics. An apple, a pear and an hourglass. It’s nice to have some options, though, isn’t it? Male body shapes are pretty much ripped as fuck or amorphous blob. I’ll give you one guess as to which of these categories I fall into.

The programme ‘Lady Shapes’ doesn’t even exist. Which seems an obvious thing to say in a work of fiction, but you know what I mean. It’s one of Alan’s stream of consciousness, Dictaphone nonsenses. Like ‘Free Spirits’ or ‘Around the World with Alan Partridge in a Bulldoze on the Left’. A couple of isolated gems that aren’t part of the legendary ‘Arm Wrestling with Chas & Dave’ / ‘Inner City Sumo’ / ‘Monkey Tennis’ set.

If, like me, you were lucky enough to catch Gladiators before it was some weird Bradley Walsh nepotism network, you will remember Jet flipping herself around various padded podiums, generally being smily and playing her own leg as a guitar, for some reason. I’d just started a) playing the guitar and b) becoming an adult in 1992, so it did stir quite a lot of new and confusing feelings within me.

I also grew up near Yeovil, so the prospect of a barn dance (millenium or otherwise) being held there and hosted by Jet was a very attractive proposition.